I’ve been back in this country for almost two months, and to be completely honest, adjusting to this new life has been much more difficult than I imagined. I find myself wishing, all too often, that I could turn the clock back and relive just one more precious day in Tel Aviv. Things were in a state of temporary bliss; I was never without love or laughter. I knew it would have to end eventually, but the crash after the high has been devastating.

The hardest part about being back in the real world is the concept of normalcy– There just isn’t any. I’ve been hell-bent on trying to return my life to some semblance of its previous state, but the ‘normal’ I was so familiar with no longer exists. For now, ‘normal’ is a state of discomfort. One of my goals in Israel was to become comfortable with being uncomfortable, and I had definitely made progress on that, but this is a whole new battle, and I have a long road ahead of me to actually achieving that goal.

So now what?

All I’ve been able to do is take one day at a time. If I look any further ahead, the world closes in and its overwhelming. I find myself in a space where any possibility is open to me, but that in itself is a problem. I fear that somewhere along the line, I’ve lost sight of the things that I want out of life, or maybe I just never even formed any of my own goals in the first place. I’ve let life do the guiding this far, and now that its my turn to take the reins, its terrifying. I just don’t want to fall back into the same place I was in before. I want to grow. I want to make the most out of life. I want to learn to find happiness in myself instead of relying on the company of others. But– I’m not quite sure how to make it all happen.

The only thing I could come up with so far is to start doing things that I enjoy outside of working. So now, for my own reference, and maybe anyone reading can hold me accountable too, here is a list of the things that I want to do:

• Learn guitar (which would require me to actually buy a guitar)
• Start writing again
• Keep a sketchbook, and use it at least a few times a week
• Train for another half-marathon
• Start cooking again
• Take up a new outdoor hobby (I’ve been dying to try paddle boarding)
• Travel around the U.S. and actually visit my friends when I say I will (I’m actually making good on this one!)
• Take a trip somewhere by myself
• Learn patience (Perhaps this one is the most important right now)

This will definitely be a longer and more specific list eventually, but its a start, and it makes me feel a little better getting this down in writing. I guess this is what they call “finding yourself”. Now that I’ve gotten good and lost, I don’t really have a choice.

So to anyone who’s ever found themselves completely lost, what was it that finally helped steer you in the right direction?

Although it seems like I gave up on this blog a long time ago (and I guess I did), it wasn’t because of laziness. The truth is that I struggled a lot after I stopped writing, and when I finally truly overcame that, I was too busy living life to even take a moment to stop and process it. I’m also not one for storytelling and recounting events. I’d rather write about how I feel, and really, who wants to hear that for months on end anyway?

But, here I am at the end, and I am very much a different person from who I was when I got here. I remember starting the countdown when I first arrived, eagerly wanting the time to pass, and now that the end is here, I am full of so much apprehension.

We went around in a circle and reflected on what we learned from this experience. People have always told me they admire how I really have my life together and how I really seem to know what I’m doing. But yet, I still came here to try and find myself and take a step back from the path I was on. The truth is, maybe I don’t actually have it together like I thought I did, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I feel now that the world is wide open to me. The number one thing I learned is to always be flexible. Life is messy and things don’t always fall neatly into place, but you know what? I think that’s exciting.

I remember when going on this trip was just a thought in the back of my mind. I really didn’t think it would ever happen, especially at that point my in life. But it did, and I am eternally grateful for it. The things I’ve learned and the relationships I’ve made will carry me forward for years to come. I’ve experienced so much laughter and love over the last five months that makes leaving this place especially difficult. As I write this, my heart hurts so much, but as a good friend once cheesily told me, “Don’t cry because its over. Smile because it happened.”

As the world is wide open– so is my heart.

I am about to start a new chapter, and even though I don’t know what will happen next,
אני יודע שהכול יהיה בסדר

I know I’ve written quite a bit about how absurd it is here, but I think I’m finally, finally coming to terms with it. Last week marked a turning point in my feelings about this trip.  I know which stalls at the market are a ripoff, how to ride the bus and where the best hummus places are. Even not having a smartphone this week has made me even more confident, not having to rely on a crutch and realizing that it’s not a big deal if you get lost. Things always seem to work out here. 

I think one of my favorite parts of this trip is getting to spend time with family. I feel like a little kid every time I go to visit my grandparents, telling everyone gleefully that I’m going to granny’s, and bringing back tons of food. I know I can’t make up for 24 years of not being around, but I’m glad I finally got around to visiting for more than a few weeks. I remember when this trip was just a stray thought in my mind. I was driving home from work, completely fed up, and I told myself, “I should just go to Israel.” This trip was always my backup plan, if things in my life went horribly wrong, but it should have never been an escape plan. There’s no reason I can’t have my cake and eat it too, and as hard as things might seem sometimes, I know I will be thanking myself years down the road for finally going.

So, what have I done lately? Things are settling into a routine, so there haven’t been any trips, but day-to-day life has been good. We went to a beer bar on a recommendation last Thursday that ended up being amazing called Porter and Sons. They had 50 beers on tap, and probably another 50 in bottles. I ordered a Quadrupel that was so delicious, and it came in a huge goblet. We were actually drunk after just one glass, and the prices were awesome, especially for Tel Aviv. The following day, my roommate Lauren suggested we go check out Shuk Levinski. After a 30 minute walk, we found it, and it was absolutely worth the hike. Fresh seeds, nuts, grain, dried fruit, you name it. I also found an Asian market there where I bought a kilo of tofu for about $5.

Sunday was my grandparents’ birthday. Yes, both of my grandparents have the same birthday, so this week has been full of celebration. On Sunday, my mom really wanted to do something for them so she had me take them to a restaurant in Old Jaffa called The Old Man and the Sea. They served over 20 delicious salads and I’d like to think my grandma had a good time despite her complaining. My grandfather definitely enjoyed himself though and had a really beautiful piece of fish.

This week also was the election here, so everybody had the day off since I guess it’s considered a national holiday. The streets, once again, were buzzing with people campaigning last minute and also with families just enjoying their day off. As for me, I went to spend time with family again. We went to this enormous park in Ramat Gan and had a barbecue to celebrate my grandparents’ birthday with everybody. It was a beautiful day filled with food and shesh besh. I beat my grandfather twice and almost marsed him once, but it was difficult enough getting that close.

Another week is ending here, and I’m looking forward to seeing what this weekend has in store. Things are already starting off right. Greg finally got his vacation time approved, which means we’re going to Europe in July! I’ve also got some other traveling on the horizon. The week after next, Career Israel is taking us on a trip to the south, which will be the first real trip we take. Also, I’m supposed to be doing some research on going to Eilat next month after Passover. Another girl who dives is coming to join Career for April so now I have a dive buddy and a fire under my ass to plan a trip.

As always, I’m missing everybody back home. Sending my love to everyone and I’ll see you soon!

I apologize again for my terrible-ness at keeping this updated. I’ve barely had a minute to myself this month. This city has been pretty taxing and I’ve definitely had my share of ups and down, and so much is happening, but I’ll try to fill in from where I left off.

The first two weeks in Tel Aviv were mainly orientation, filled with speakers and intensive Hebrew lessons each day. One of the highlights was going to visit Google Israel, which was brand new and state-of-the-art. However, they weren’t really allowed to tell us about anything they were working on in detail, since it’s all top secret. But, it was cool to say that we went to Google, and I got a photo in the slide!

Another highlight was a walking tour of Jaffa. It’s a beautiful area but there’s a great deal of history there, and not to mention, great food. I’m kind of fuzzy on the history part, but we had dinner at the famous Doctor Shakshuka, which was very tasty, but maybe not worth the hype.

Last week was the first week of my internship at Almog Dvir. So far, it’s been challenging but nothing that I can’t handle. My office is located in Hertzeliya Pituach, which is a very nice business district just north of Tel Aviv. The commute time is about 45 minutes each way, but it’s given me plenty of time to catch up on my podcasts. The studio consists of a very small team, just three other designers and a project manager, along with the owner, Dvir. The first project they had me work on consisted of some logo concepts for a rebrand of a local brewery, Negev. Israeli craft beer hasn’t been around for very long, which poses a challenge in selling since its a beer without much history. I have to say, it’s a very cool project but identity isn’t my strong suit. That’s one of the reasons I chose to work here, to improve my branding skills and to be able to work with a lot of different clients. While week one wasn’t particularly productive, I feel like I’m finally getting into the groove this week.

Aside from work, I haven’t had much time for anything else. I’ve been freelancing way too much for my own good, and when I’m not doing that, I’m visiting my grandparents or going to the beach. I find it hard to believe that I’ve been busier here than I’ve been at home, and it hasn’t been the trip that I thought it would be. Even a month in, I’m still having a hard time adjusting, and life hasn’t been without its setbacks. For example, I had an unfortunate incident at the shuk on Friday. Every time I approach the market, I remind myself and everybody else that it’s a popular place for thieves, and to watch your bags. Can you guess where this is going? My iPhone was stolen right out of my backpack. Fortunately, I have an amazing family who lent me a phone (a dumb phone, but it’s still a phone!). This was a really low point for me. But you know what? I never had a smartphone in college, so what difference should it make now? So, I’ll have to wait a month for someone to bring me one from the states (Import taxes here are astronomical), but, maybe its a lesson in patience. Savlanut.

This city has tested my patience more than ever. It’s such an incredible blessing to be living where I’m living, but it’s not easy. Part of the reason I guess I haven’t been updating is that I haven’t had much of a chance to be with myself. There is very little privacy, which was expected, but I guess the good thing is that you’re never alone here. For example, Purim happened here last week. I’ve never seen a city in costume for a week straight, it was electric! There were so many parties, from the bars and clubs, to the park next door, to the streets, and everyone was loud and all about it. It was a blast, but incredibly overwhelming in so many ways.

The bright side of all of the troubles I’ve had is that things can only get better, and if things still don’t get better, I’m learning to shake things off like a true Tel Aviv-ian. I am so thankful for all of the good things in my life, and the awesome support system that I have here. I know everything will be alright.

I will try – Key word try – to be better about updating. With the spotty Internet and the amount of work I’m doing, it’s been difficult, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I miss you all back home, and I hope you’re all doing well. See you soon <3

My first week in Tel Aviv is over and it’s been, for lack of a better word, a complete whirlwind. I don’t even know where to start at this point but I’ll try my best. Overall, I’m thrilled to be here. The transition from extreme homesickness to relative comfort has been surprisingly swift, but not without its challenges.

The main challenge so far in Tel Aviv has been learning to let go. Letting go of routine and giving in to chaos. Letting go of sadness because there isn’t any room for it. Letting go of your inhibitions and learning to say yes to any opportunity that comes through the door. Trying to recreate any semblance of normal life is paralyzing and is pretty much a waste of time, so here I am, giving in to the city and letting it guide me instead of me trying to make any sense out of it.

The program started with an eventful uber ride into Jerusalem, with a driver that didn’t speak any English, a broken gps, backing up into traffic because we were in the wrong lane, and a lot of shouting, but we made it in one piece! Overall, we are a group of 60 people from all over the world with extremely diverse interests, but with a lot of common ground. The second day of orientation featured a food tour through the Mechane Yehuda market and a visit to the Old City. I froze my butt off but it was a great way to kickstart the program.

On Wednesday, we arrived in Tel Aviv and moved into our accommodations at Beit Leni. The building is right in the heart of the city and is walkable to pretty much anything worth walking to! Dizengoff Mall is nearly next door and Shuk HaCarmel is less than a ten minute walk away. There are countless bars, clubs and cafes and the beach is fairly close by too. Slowly slowly I’m learning my way around. And eating everything. I literally cannot stop eating here. Even something as simple as vegetables tastes ten times better than at home.

On our first night, we went to a bar called Pesaz and there ended up being a really incredible band playing. It was all instrumental but the lead trumpet player was really impressive. After a few drinks, we headed back with our clothing smelling like cigarettes, but in high spirits. The rest of the week consisted of going out every night and eating everything in sight.

My time here so far has been jam packed that I can’t recount everything. It also didn’t help that I couldn’t get my computer to connect to the internet here until today, so this post is a little bit late, but everything is settling into place. Here are a few more images from the last week.

Well, I’m finally in Israel. I’ve actually been here since Thursday but there hasn’t been too much happening yet to warrant a post. I’ve mostly been trying to adjust, but it’s been a lot more difficult psychologically than I anticipated. I’d like to be able to look back at this post at the end of my experience and reflect back on the transition, and although I initially wanted to document mostly the exciting parts of my journey for my family and friends, this blog is just as much for my own reflections.

Getting to Israel went off without much trouble. I was kind of peeved at EL AL, but I forgot that they handle things like true Israelis… in that it was a complete balagan. I managed to get pulled out of the boarding line to be ‘profiled’ and ended up being one of the last on the plane, had my carry-on forcibly taken away to be checked and found someone else sitting in my seat. The food was halfway decent though.

The first place I went after I landed was to my grandparents, like I usually do, and was promptly fed. My grandmother’s cooking is the best, and she even made her own Baklava, which was probably the best I have ever had. And when I finished that, she tried to feed me more. In my usual fashion, I immediately had a nap and tried to relax some.

The jet lag when I first get to Israel is always the worst. I was so excited when I woke up at 8 AM the next day like a normal human being, but the following day was a disaster.

Anyway, on Friday, my cousin Niv and his girlfriend took me out into Tel Aviv. We went to HaTachana, an old train station that has since been converted into a public space. There was a market going on that had some really unique, hipster-ish jewelry along with several vegan food booths. We all tried the vegan shawarma and agreed that the taste was pretty spot on. I definitely plan on going back to the area to check it out another time.

After that, we walked to Shuk HaCarmel for some hummus. In between the produce stands, we walked into what was formerly a synagogue (It still had the stained glass windows in front) and got in line for some delicious hummus. I never actually realized that people eat it like a meal. Mine was a mix of traditional hummus and another bean hummus, served with an egg, onions, pickles and some charif. Freakin’ delicious! Not to mention, the pita was pretty awesome too. We finished up the day with Shabbat dinner at my grandmother’s with the entire family.

It was really great to see everybody and to see how much my younger cousins have grown, but it was also strange. My Hebrew is really rusty (even more rusty with my jet lag) and I kind of felt that I didn’t have much of a place in any conversation. I love my family but it will definitely be an adjustment actually being an active part in it.

As much as I’m happy about being here, I’m having an insanely hard time with the thought of actually living here. In my mind, I expected to feel the same way I do when I’m here on vacation, but then I realize it isn’t just a vacation and that’s when I start freaking out. I had my life together back home. I was comfortable and confident and independent. Now I’m just lost. I know that when my program starts tomorrow, I’ll feel a lot better, but its still daunting to think that I have to relearn how to live my life. But I guess that’s why I’m here in the first place– to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

To be honest, I’ve cried every day since Monday. Every day is slightly better than the last, but I’m still very homesick. However, I did have a moment of clarity last night. My cousin invited me out to celebrate his girlfriend’s sister’s birthday, and we ended up going to a cool little local bar. The group was comprised of international students studying at Tel Aviv University, and they all spoke English. I ended up having a great time and it gave me a glimpse of the good times ahead.

Tomorrow, I head to Jerusalem for orientation and my journey can really begin. Wish me luck.